It's not the what, it's the why.

I'm tired.

Last week, as I'm happily (yes, that is sarcasm) sorting through hanging freight with my boss, she tries to nonchalantly ask if I'm looking for full-time work. Elsewhere. I told her it would be nice to have something full time. She asks me if I like retail. I lie and say that it's not so bad. Then she continues asking questions about if I'm "actively" looking for something full time. I lie again.

I hate lying, but I figured a white lie, or a not-quite-truth, would be better than going, "Are you kidding me? Of course. Anywhere but here sounds like a good idea to me."

I'm scared that she was asking because they want to offer me a full-time position. Why does that scare me? Because I'd say yes because we really, really need the money, and I don't want to work there full time. It makes it a lot harder to get away. And more difficult to schedule interviews for potential other jobs. (Not that I'm having that problem now. Actually, I would love to have that problem, it would mean I was getting an interview somewhere.)

Anyway, the week I'm about to embark on is begging to not happen. I want to call them tomorrow morning and quit. I want to not have to work until 8, 9, and 11 PM on all the days that my families are celebrating Thanksgiving. I want to be able to have a Thanksgiving before next Tuesday. I want to have my weekends off and not have to go in at 6 AM to sign a footwear add.

I want a big-girl job where I can wear business attire and not black pants and a white polo. I don't want to wear a name tag that reads, "I'm here to help you!" I want to do something that feels more worthwhile than pandering to consumers and making money for a corporation I dislike.

I once wrote a letter to myself while attending a greek leadership conference during the summer. At the end of the letter, I wrote to myself, "It doesn't matter what you do. It's why you do it."

I want to do something that matters. Something whose "why" is more than "because we need the money to survive."

Anything. Anything at all. To be perfectly blunt: I hate my job. Every time I go in, I'm miserable. Even on my days off, I'm miserable because I have to go back tomorrow. I hate it. I'm completely unhappy and most days, I want to cry. I keep praying for something, anything, to come along, but 3 months later, nothing. I've always believed that God has led me to where I'm supposed to be at that time, but right now, all I think is, WTF? KMart?