Sleeplessness

It's almost 12:30 AM here in the Midwest, and I'm not sleeping. Why? I'm not sure. I was tired, I went to bed. I reclined there for over an hour before I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere, and decided to get up and do something, in hopes that it would tire me out. I guess we'll see.

It is now almost the end of May, and in 2 months, I'll be packing my belongings and moving 3 hours away from my husband. All will not be roses and sunshine, but I imagine we'll make it through. I'll be there for 18 months. Whether or not he moves after the next academic year is yet to be determined. For now, I'm just trying to enjoy having him around, we're looking for his new apartment, and otherwise getting me ready to go back to school. I've registered for classes, signed an apartment lease, and accepted and assistantship with the University. I'm pretty well set, with the exception of actually physically relocating and then purchasing my books.

I'm so ready to be going back to school. So ready for the last 3 very difficult years of my life to be over. Even though the 'mart and I have had a love-hate relationship, I know for a fact there will be things I miss. Like a several of the employees I've gotten to know well, especially the girls that work in softlines with me. Two or three of them have promised to road trip to visit me, though, if I promised to take them to Cold Stone Creamery when they come (which, gosh, was a hard thing to promise). But other than the people, there's not much I'll mourn about my adventures in retail.

As far as leaving the town I'm in--that will be quite the adjustment. I'm leaving not just my husband, but my parents and younger brothers, some friends. I like this town. I always have. Even growing up when most people hated the small-town, not-much-to-do atmosphere, I still had a soft spot for it. It's such a great place to live. It's small enough that you can let your kids walk home without worry, or play in the street (in some cases). But it also has a lot of the things bigger cities have to offer: movies, theatre, sports, festivals, music. Sure, we move a little slower here, but the pace suits me just fine. I think the one reason I'm reluctant to leave is because I'm not certain I'll ever move back to this area. That will be hard. I've spent the majority of my life here.

But if staying here means staying in 3 part-time jobs, still barely able to make ends meet, well, it's not worth it to me. Change will be good. Change will also be hard. Here's hoping I'm built strong enough to handle it.

The internet: not the liberating force we imagined?

            In my writing classes, I hope to challenge my students to critically consider the topics we discuss, and learn to see themselves as capable of expressing intelligent, informed ideas on them. In truth, this does not always happen, but I can hope. Sometimes I wonder if the topics I present them with are too difficult—and then I remind myself that they’ll learn more from the challenge. Recently I’ve been thinking about tackling the writing assignments I give them myself. For lack of less-compelling things to right about (Kmart is so boring right now), I’ve decided I’ll start tonight.

            The first essay assignment was this: Read an excerpt from S. Craig Watkins’ book, The Young and the Digital. From there, identify an issue, formulate an opinion on the topic, locate a second source, and draft an APA-style essay that accomplishes 3 goals: summarizes each article, rhetorically analyzes the pieces side-by-side to identify similarities and differences, and draws conclusions about the topic from the research.

            I’m not going to do the assignment in its entirety.  I don’t have the time right now to locate another source on a topic. Instead, I’m going to look at the gist of the argument Watkins presents and offer discussion.

            The excerpt that we read was, I believe, from the introduction to the book. One key thing to note about this book is that is was published in 2009, with much of the research Watkins and his assistants conducted taking place in 2007. This is significant because Watkins discusses social networking sites, specifically considering Myspace and Facebook. Before I discuss the relevancy of his information, though, it would be helpful to first explain his premise.

            Using several examples, the most memorable being that of a cartoon drawing of a dog, Watkins seeks to call in to question many people’s belief that online social networking has changed the way people interact socially—specifically that it removes racial, economic, and geographic barriers. He argues against those that would say that sites like Facebook and Myspace have made the world less segregated, mainly challenging the belief that by interacting over a computer screen, people are less likely to discriminate in ways we have in the past. In fact, he even goes so far as to suggest that Facebook (more so than Myspace) actually creates more fractured communities than before. Because it is easier to ignore or dismiss a profile than a real person, our online interaction in some case may be, in fact, more segregated that our real-life lives.

            Watkins makes a fairly compelling argument, with much of his information coming from surveys he both conducts and cites. He interviews the people who use social networking the most: college-aged kids. The problem I see with his research, at least from the small excerpt we read, is that his sources are largely homogenous. Only rarely does he cite the opinion of a non-white, non-college student. Or at least, if he does, he does not clarify the person’s demographics.

            After reading the essay, many of my students—from several different countries, ethnicities, and socio-economic backgrounds—vehemently disagreed with him.

            Things like, “Of course he’s wrong. I can be friends with whoever I want on Facebook. It’s easier to get to know all different kinds of people online,” were common reactions. To this, I would respond, “Of course you can. No one is saying that you can’t. What Watkins is saying is that you don’t.”

            Again, many students vocally disagreed: “That’s not true,” they would argue. “I’m white, but I have black friends on Facebook,” or vice versa. Again, I respond, “I’m sure you do. But how many people are you friends with on Facebook are people you would not have befriended in real life?”

            Because in essence, race and other factors stripped away, that is what Watkins argues: We still only befriend those online that we would normally befriend in real life. Which in most cases happens to be people who bear significant similarities to ourselves (such as race, class, location).

            You may remember that earlier I mentioned that Watkins’ book was published in 2009, and much of his research conducted in 2007. I bring this up again because as an academic and an avid social network user, I question whether the data he would collect now would corroborate his earlier studies. As an optimist, I want to believe that things have changed. That his argument that Facebook is only for the college-enrolled is outdated because Facebook, now, is open to the public, where it had not been when he was doing his original research. But now, perhaps, that the demographic has been allowed to shift, it has. But even if more people are on the site, and the type of user has diversified, I wonder if his claims about who we choose to socialize with online have changed. Even though there is a larger diversity of people, are we still largely socializing with a restricted type of people? I’d be interested to see if more recent research has been conducted on the topic, and whether it supports or contradicts Watkins.

            I, personally, am a bit ashamed by the poor diversity of my friends list. Mostly friends from college a few from high school, coworkers, and family. Not many people that I wouldn’t have come across in my everyday life. And without knowing specifics, I would imagine that many of them share a similar background with me: white, middle-class, college-educated, Midwestern. There are exceptions of course, but shockingly few of them. Just from my own personal experience, it is possible that Watkins’ argument would hold today. Perhaps the internet, and social networks, are not the barrier-eliminators many want to believe they are.

Good news. FINALLY!

I finally have something other than my-life-sucks-stories to share with anyone who actually still reads this. I applied this past fall/winter to graduate programs in Library Science. I applied 3 places: University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign (#1 program in the country), University of Washington Seattle (#4), and Indiana University (#7). After taking the GRE and epically failing the math section, I sent in my apps and have been waiting patiently (read: sarcasm) since December to hear.

I heard from IU first, and was accepted! Woot! I knew I was going to go back, because at least one place wanted me. I got in touch with my friend who is out there now and we're having a weekend visit.

The second school I heard from was U of I. Imagine my shock when the first line of the email said, "Congratulations!" Followed by telling me how amazing I am, that they couldn't possibly let me study any where else, etc. No. Truthfully, it was some boring mumbo-jumbo like "we're recommending your admission to the graduate college." But whatevs. I'm going back to graduate school, and I may just be going to the NUMBER ONE PROGRAM IN THE COUNTRY. Boo-yah!

Take that Kmart shoppers. Bluelight special in aisle 3: YOU CAN KISS MY ASS GOODBYE.

(I feel like it's a good thing I write sad, introspective posts more often than happy ones. This? Right up there? That's terrible writing. It's all over the place and doesn't really say anything. Yep. This just proves my theory right. I write best when I'm pissed off or crying my eyes out.)

[But really, Kmart shoppers. Kiss it.]

Oh, the wanderings of my bored, tired mind.

Yet again, it has been far too long since I updated. There isn't a lot to say about my life anymore. My weeks blur together. I get up 3 days a week and teach class. I work every other weekend at KMart. And I occasionally throw in another day or two during the week. When it's all said and done, I'm boring and predictable.

Beginning at the end of this month, I should start to hear back from grad programs for the fall. The husband and I are still discussing what our move will be when the time comes to make the decision. At best, I'll be 3.5 hours from my current town, at worst, 29 hours. The hubby is reluctant to leave the job he has now if I go to one of the schools that is within the 3.5-6 hour driving distance. He's not particularly attached to the job, its simply that he is a field where jobs can be hard to come by, and walking away from a perfectly good one that offers security, benefits, retirement, and more experience in his field is a lot to give up. Obviously, though, if the chosen school is 29 hours away, we're both packing our bags.

The most frustrating thing about this situation is that I keep trying to get him to actually sit down and talk with me, and he'll talk for less than 10 minutes and then say something like, "I need to think about this." And then when I bring it up a few days or a week later, he "hasn't really thought about it," and we end up saying the same things over and over again.

For me, this is a simple decision. Assume that I choose to go to one of the closer schools. Either we live separately for 2 years, or he goes with me. Weigh the pros and cons. When he thinks about leaving the job he is in, he can't conceive of it. So when I tell him then, that we should just plan on living separately at least for one year, he freaks out about not wanting to do that either. I just want to look at him and say, "Man up, my friend." You're going to have to make the decision sooner or later. I'd prefer sooner, because in about a month, I'm going to start looking for housing. And at that point, I'm going to need to know if I'm looking for housing for one or two.

I'm sure in the end, it will all work out. Then I'll just be left praying that I made the right decision at all. No pressure, though.

Let's talk about sex.

Warning: Adult Content (not that this whole blog isn't adult content, but thought I'd issue fair warning).


I was reading some crappy article earlier today, and one of the comments on the article made me laugh out loud, so I had to share it. This is what he said [I assume the poster is male]:

"isnt the real issue here the fact that cosmo has been using some variation of that "his best sex ever" headline FOR EVERY SINGLE ISSUE for like the past decade. it baffles me what they could be pawning off as sex advice. to all you ladies, your man is not that complicated. his junk is not some sort of rubik's cube."

I barked out a laugh, and wished the hubby was home so that I could share that little morsel with him. Because, really, isn't it just completely true? It just highlights, for me, how different men's and women's mindsets are. Sex isn't that much of a mystery. It's definitely not something that should require a mathematical algorithm to accomplish. Sex is sex. Insert Tab A into Slot B. They've put it on tshirts. Watch the Discovery Channel. Truly. Though to be fair, I'm not really a fetish kind of girl, and if you throw that kind of stuff in, I'd probably need a user's manual. I'm a meat-and-potatoes kind of girl.

I look at a piece of sexy lingerie, and I think about how hot it would be to wear it for my husband. He looks at it, and all he sees are straps, buckles, and small pieces of fabric that stand between him and what he really wants. It's not just being poor that prevents me from purchasing sexy little things to wear to bed. It's also the fact that when I have worn lingerie in the past, he just looks at me like, "Why are wasting my time by putting on clothing, when the goal is to take it off?"

Granted, I will not argue that my husband (nor my) mindset is the norm for men and women of are age. Not being a sociologist or conducted any kind of legitimate research, I can only speak from personal experience. But my personal experience is being a tomboy who grew up with a "manly-man" father, four brothers, in a neighborhood without any girls my own age. I relate far better to, and think far more like, the men of my acquaintance that the women. So it probably stands to  reason that when it comes to sex, I tend to think more like a man than a woman.

Sexy lingerie? What's the point?

When I read or hear friends talk about spending hours having sex, my first thought is: Really? What the hell is there to do that takes hours? I get it, I do. Foreplay, different positions, etc. But hours? Seriously? I guess I'm just a wham, bam, thank you ma'am kind of girl.

I'm not opposed, either, to trying to new things. But when adding things in to the mix that make the act more about properly executing a tricky maneuver and less about being 100% there, in that moment, with the person you're with, count me out.

Question, though. If women think men's manly parts are a Rubik's cube, then what does that make women's? (Being, truthfully, the infinitely more complicated anatomy.)

How do you measure a year?

One of the most helpless feelings in the world has got to be looking at where you were one year ago, and realizing that despite the best intentions, you are still in the same, mediocre spot as you were last year. This time last year, I was preparing to say goodbye to KMart, moving into to several part-time teaching positions, and looking forward to a less frustrating new year.

This year, I'm back working at KMart, and looking forward to something, anything, changing for the better this year. It could be a good year--I've applied to go back to school, so I may be moving to another part of the country in 7 months. Regardless of whether that happens, something has got to give. I'm going to make a change. I've got to get out of how my life is now. I'm sick of struggling to pay bills, fighting to stay afloat every month, and feeling like I've failed myself because I'm not using my 6 years of schooling to do something more than get continually frustrated by the customers at KMart.

I'm not going to spend a whole lot of time reflecting on the last year. If you're reading this, you've probably been along with me for a lot of it. Teaching, living, learning. That's what it's all about. I'm trying to learn to enjoy my life as it exists right now. Some days are harder than others. But hopefully this year, I'll live and learn (but no Luvs--so not ready for babies).

Seriously, I'm about to go off on this.

I've been reading all these articles lately about how employees of some retail chains are ticked off because of  the new Black Friday hours being implemented this year. Walmart is starting its Black Friday at 10PM on Thanksgiving--not really a big deal, because 99% of Walmarts in this country are open 24 hours anyway.

However, a lot of other stores are now getting in on the "open the earliest" action and many, like Best Buy and Target, are opening their Black Friday doors at midnight. There's been this big to-do all over the internet about employees and customers alike throwing their arms up in resistance. Apparently, in order for these stores to open, many of the employees have to report to work on Thanksgiving by 11 or even 10 PM. So they're pissed.

You know what's pissing me off? All these people bitching that they have to go in at 11:00 at night on Thanksgiving. That it's ruining their holiday, taking them away from family on a day that should be about family, not shopping. Well, kiss my behind Target and Best Buy employees.

Kmart is open ALL DAY on Thanksgiving. It opens at 6 AM. Yeah, that's right. For the last 3 years, I've been doing a juggling act hoping to get to see my family AT ALL on Thanksgiving, and now you're making front page news because you might have to leave early in the afternoon to catch some sleep before your shift? Go fly a kite.

And to hear the customers complaining? Blow me. The stores wouldn't open early at all if there weren't going to be people there to fill them. Do you think Kmart is empty on Thanksgiving day? Hell no. There is a line outside of the store at 4 AM waiting for the doors to open, people rush in just like they do on Friday to get deals. And then it's busy all day long. So, you think it's terrible that these other companies are making their employees come in to work AFTER they've been able to spend the entire day with their families, eat a good meal, and even get to take a turkey-induced afternoon nap? You know how I spent my Thanksgiving my first year at Kmart? In the break room with a plastic to-go container from the nearby grocery store with leftover turkey, green been casserole, and mashed potatoes, while my husband was able to go visit his family. There are men and women who have worked their lives in retail who NEVER have gotten to spend the day with their families, or least not in years.

So spare me the petition, Target employee. Be happy you have the day to see your loved ones. I'll be at Kmart at 7 AM, helping the people who won't be shopping in your store.