Screw the disclaimer.

You know how people, before saying something completely inappropriate, rude, offensive, etc., will preface it with, "I don't mean to sound 'xxxx', but . . . ." And then they inevitably follow that with something that sounds exactly like they said they didn't mean to sound? Yeah, not gonna happen here. I have some things to say, and frankly, they may offend you. They may sound rude. They may be un-PC. Screw it. I'm sick of tiptoeing around honesty because someone might not like what I'm about to say. If the right to free speech extends to religious extremists who want to protest outside military funerals because they hate homosexuals, then it certainly extends me the right to say the following:


Skinny jeans are taking over. I resisted. Oh, for a long time, did I resist the fad. And you know what broke me? It's not the jeans. It was the cute boots that you really have to wear skinny jeans with. Straight leg, boot cut, and flare jeans just don't tuck into those cute little booties the right way. I bought a pair of booties. And I want a pair of slouchy black knee-high boots that we sell at the 'mart. In order to wear those to their fashionista best, I needed skinny jeans. So I bought a cheap pair. And then my husband shrunk them in the wash (yet another reason I am in favor of traditional gender roles in my house--but that's a blog for another day). So now my skinny jeans are impossible-to-wear jeans.

Being a newcomer to this fad, I'm late catching up. I was resistant to skinny jeans, period. And then I break down and buy a pair, and it isn't as simple as I think it's going to be. I just wanted dark wash skinny jeans. But I had to jungle my way through stretch skinny jeans, regular jean skinny jeans, and then this strange thing dubbed a "jegging," which we will not even get in to. But I digress. Then, once I own these fad-ulous pants, I start noticing them everywhere. And it leads me to develop these:

Guidelines for Skinny Jeans
To the skinny jean maker:
Skinny jeans do not, in fact, make you skinnier. They do, however, look good on many body types. Because of this, I would ask that jeans manufacturers remember that all ladies, from a size 5 to a size 15 want to be fad-ulous. And that we aren't all built with the same proportions. For example:

Just because I can wear a size 5 jean does not mean that I want my calves to suffocate in your too-skinny-pants. Give my calves some wiggle room, please. (This also applies to cute-boot manufacturers. I wear a size 7. But my calves apparently need an 8 or a 9.)

Also, I'm short. Is it too much to ask that I don't have to roll the bottoms of my jeans (thus making it difficult to squeeze into my cute booties--the whole point of my purchasing skinny jeans) in order to not look like my ankles are totally bloated?

Let's talk about proportions. We have a line of jeans at the 'mart called "curvy fit," and they are designed for people like me. See, I have this problem that a lot of women I know have. My body is not perfectly proportioned. I have a butt, and compared to the size of my waist, my butt is big. I'm okay with this. I like having a little bit of curve. And these "curvy fit" jeans would be perfect--if they made a skinny pair. But they're all flare or bootcut. I need skinny jeans that love my ass as much as me. Cuz usually, I have to go up a size to accommodate my derriere, and then I'm left with a huge gap at the waist, which I will cinch with a belt, and THEN I'm left with gathered waistband jeans. See my problem?

I could go on, but I will refrain. Moving on
To the skinny-jean wearer:

Wear those jeans proudly at any size.

However, see that last note to the jean manufacturers about proportions? Yeah, this applies to you as well. I know it's a pain, but until things change, you may just have to buy a size bigger than you normally wear to look right in those jeans. Size is not a constant. I could go into 5 stores, try on 5 different brands of pants, and come out with 5 different sizes. Wear what looks GOOD, and screw the world that tells you that unless the label inside your pants says "3" or below, you're too fat. No one, including you, wants to see you muffin-topping over your skinny jeans because you wanted to buy a smaller size that what you needed to buy. You'd look a hellavu lot better if you just bought a bigger size. After all, when you have them on, I can't see what size they are anyway. I only see if they look right on you.

Finally, say no to crack. Buy a higher waist, wear a longer shirt. It's getting cold anyway, exposed skin is dangerous. And your exposed ass-crack in my store is incredibly dangerous. For both of us.

Oh, and on a side note, remember in the 90's and early 00's when everyone, everywhere was disdaining the "tapered" jean, and we all jumped on the "flare" and "wide-leg" wagon because tapered jeans were for women who just couldn't let the mullet die? What the hell do you think skinny jeans are, anyway?