My bright is too slight to hold back all my dark.

I finally broke down last night. After months of frustration, anger, and hopelessness, I sobbed until my pillow was soaked.

I'm so sick of this job, and living paycheck to paycheck. We have $32 to our name right now. $32.

We have another paycheck on Monday, and then another 2 on Friday. But it's not going to make this any better. Because every last dime of it will be spent on rent, loans, and utilities. Then, we might have a little left over for groceries, if we clip coupons and eat spaghetti at least twice a week.

And then by this time next month, I'll probably be sobbing into my pillow again, worried about the bills, blaming myself for not being able to find a better paying, or at least a full-time, job. It's a bit ridiculous really. And after breaking down last night, I've moved on to being incredibly angry about it.

I have a mother-loving Masters degree. I have bled and cried to put myself through school, earn top grades, be involved, and work 3 jobs. And all I have to show for it is a part-time teaching job that pays shittier than my part-time KMart job. And it finally came crashing down last night.

I don't want to have to live like this, choosing between being late for a loan payment or buying groceries. Having to ask myself before I bake something, "Can I afford to replace the flour I'll use?" Before I drive to visit my parents, "Will I use too much gas so that I won't be able to drive to work on Monday and I can't get gas until after payday next week?"

When I turn the lights on at night, I wonder if I could stand the dark just a little bit more, if it meant keeping the electric bill down. Or if we couldn't keep the house just a degree or two cooler, when we're already walking around with sweaters and two pairs of socks on, cuddling under blankets.

I'm on the verge of losing it, for real. My husband hasn't gone to the eye doctor in almost 4 years, his glasses are permantly scratched and he can hardly see through them. I haven't been in 2 years. We haven't been to the dentist in at least 3, and we both need a thorough checkup, but we can't even afford our insurance's copays. If anything serious were to happen, we'd be screwed.

We're waiting for our internet contract to run out, so we can cancel it. As soon as we can get all the numbers changed, we're cancelling the landline. We're hoping for cash for our upcoming birthdays so we can pay off the credit cards we've had to use to buy necessities or gas when we've run out of cash.

I'm ready to cancel anything that is not imperative: internet, Dish, landline. I've even considered not renewing our cell phone contract and buying a pay-as-you-go phone. No one ever calls me anyway. I walk to work (at KMart) when it's freezing rain and below zero outside, so I don't have to use gas.

I've watched all these shows about being in debt and cutting back, and honestly, I envy those people. There's people on there who have more cars than drivers in their house, who go out to eat 3 or 4 times a week, who have shopping problems and can't control their spending, who have to cut their number of hair appointments from every 2 weeks to every 4.

I haven't even gotten my hair cut in almost a year, because I can't justify spending $20 which would pay for my dog's food for a month.

We have cut almost as much as we can, and we're still drowning. The natural solution, to me, would be to make more. Find a higher paying job. Full-time would be higher-paying for me, at this point. But how? I've tried. I counted today, I have about 20-25 resumes saved on my computer, all ones that have been sent out in the last 6 months. How many interviews have I gotten? Two. Maybe three.

And all places, except KMart, have hired people with less qualifications and less experience than me. All the other places may not have even looked at my resume. For all I know, it went straight into the recycle bin. I've called to follow up, I've sent thank-you notes to interviewers, I've tried to hand in my resume in person as often as possible. Nothing.

I'm still sitting here, drowning in bills, powerless to change anything.

And now I'm really wondering why. I said in an earlier post that I believe God always has a plan. That I'm always where I'm meant to be, I just don't find out until later why. But it's later. And now would be a good time for the Man Upstairs to enlighten me, because I'm really losing hope.